.....messy missi.....

May God bless your hands.

2012-03-02T18:54:00.001-08:00

There are things in my life that help me to appreciate every moment. The things that make me feel like I got punched in the gut, hold back tears, and pretend I am more stoic than I actually am. The things that make me go home and snuggle my baby harder and makes waking up at all hours of the night ok. There are parents that would give anything to be sleep deprived, peed on, and listen to their baby cry from just being a baby, not poked or prodded by medical professionals. Just remember that when your baby wants to be held all day and you can't get a single thing done, that their are babies who live a whole life in beds, hooked up to monitors, and maybe never once held. This is a precious life, don't let it pass you by.

weekend update...

2012-02-27T07:50:00.001-08:00

-finally bought a dresser for Maxi's room. i get to buy new knobs for it from anthropologie! i have wanted to buy knobs from there for so long!! finally, i have an excuse.
-went to Santa Anita for a minute, won a few bucks, and found out Maxi gets to have another playmate!! seriously, i love my pregnant friends!
-loving my job lately (it might be the three days a pay period i work). thinking about picking up a shift or two in the picu to maintain my picu skills.
-someone is our house found his voice, so all day the house is filled with lalalalala dadadada babababa mamamama. i love it.
-meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
-baby wearing daddies.
-birthdays parties.
-i love the baby Maxi is becoming.

Kewpie.

2012-02-23T14:36:00.001-08:00

letting go...

2012-02-22T16:58:00.001-08:00

-anger is an ugly trait. it only holds your heart back. i refuse to waste my precious time and thoughts on the thoughtless.
-moving on and away.
-i have everything i need.
-what a great feeling to have your baby as your best friend.

a decade.

2012-02-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

this past sunday, frank and i celebrated a decade of being together. what started as some doodling kisses in the back of a van has grown into a blossoming family. i have officially spent a third of my life with him and can't wait to experience the rest with him. we started dating when pagers were cool and the only online stuff you did was crash AOL chat rooms. i feel so lucky that frank picked me to spend his life with. he is an amazing person, husband, friend, and now, father. we have climbed over mountains in life, made it through many rough spots, and always emerged victorious. i will love him forever.

half birthdays...

2012-02-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

maxi,
it has happened. you turned six months old. your newborn days are long gone. you play and laugh and smile and flirt. i can't believe it. i know it is part of motherhood to be sad when your children grow up but it is so sad. every once in a while, i will cry to your dad about how i can't believe you are growing up everyday. everyday, you get further away from the little baby bouncing around in my belly. everyday, i get farther away from the two of us being one. these days you are:
-laughing. i love doing anything that makes you laugh.
-very slowly starting solids. i am in no hurry at all. i want you to stay my baby for as long as possible.
-rolling over, scooting around, sitting with support, and doing mini pushups.
-jabbering. oh how i love the jabbering. it is so cute how you move your tongue and jaw around. i need to make sure i get it on film because i am going to miss it when the jabbering turns into talking.
-reaching for me when you are sad. i love it and i will always be there, i promise.
this past month, a lot has happened with you. the other day, i took you to the park for the first time and you loved to swing! you are not afraid to do things with me but you are definitely shy. i love that about you. you take in your surroundings and take a while to warm up. you are still sleeping mostly in our bed and now, daddy loves it just as much as me. you are still only breastfed and i pump for you when i am away. you take the bottle but i have never seen it. thank goodness because it would make me sad. i love every molecule that makes you up and everyday you are my light and my love. i love you forever,
momma

Maxi's Bedroom.

2012-02-16T11:28:00.000-08:00

-i have wanted to get photos of maxi's nursery for a long time. it has just never been clean enough, the right time of day for the lighting, and a multitude of other excuses that i can come up with.
-i am not an interior designer. i did not have an inspiration board. i just pieced it together and i think it came out ok.
-i am not going to list where i got everything because i don't think enough people care. haha. if you do care and want to know just comment and i will let know you.
-so enjoy my terrible photos of my baby's bedroom.

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

weekend update.

2012-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

-been busy as a bee this week with all my work shifts scheduled within a week of each other. i missed my baby so. today, i make up for lost time and snuggle, hold, and be super clingy to my baby all.day.long.
-date night at little dom's eating breakfast pizza.
-escargot...gross.
-like a prayer superbowl sing-alongs.
-"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." --Mahatma Gandhi
-baby farts and knee tickles.
-♥ for pregnant friends.
-♥ for my mommy.

Happy Groundhog's Day...

2012-02-02T12:16:00.000-08:00

when i was a kid, groundhog's day was the only movie i had on vhs. how could i resist this??

the evolution of a cloth diaper...

2012-01-30T10:07:00.001-08:00

five days old

one month

two months

three months

weekend update.

2012-01-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

-golden dragon parade was fantastic as always, although, i did not get to see the mayor this year and that bums me out.
-working hard for the money. maxi and frank had a rough night while i was at work. maxi was so hysterical and cranky when i got home. it broke my heart for both of them. i don't know what to do. they just need to find their own rhythm.
-picnics and breastfeeding in the meadow with other baby mommas.
-becoming a mother makes you so vulnerable to the world. my baby is literally a piece of me. he was formed and grew from within my body and now, a part of me lives in this world separate from me. it is so scary and makes me a mama bear just thinking of my baby ever being hurt. it is weird to be that much more vulnerable.
-a weird dynamic.
-sarcastic canadian love.
-homemade vegetable soup on stove right now.
-a clean house and old friends ♥
-my chinese new year bank collection is getting to be quite impressive.

sun shiny days.

2012-01-26T21:33:00.000-08:00

-i convinced my husband to stay home from work and we had a family day at the beach. before i had a baby, i did not understand how awesome warm weather is for kids. when it is cold and dreary, everyone gets stuck inside and goes a little stir crazy. these past few warm, beautiful days, i have stayed outside as much as possible. it feels so good.
-the venice canals are so quiet, peaceful, and beautiful.
-fresh avocados with everything.
-less than two months till jamaica!!
-ticklefests and baby kisses.
-taco nights.
-laker games on the tv.
-project runway all stars.

weekend update...

2012-01-23T14:41:00.000-08:00

-busy as a bee this weekend filled with friends, birthdays, and eating out way too much.
-enjoying the rain and made a pledge to not get out of my pjs today.
-maxi is so close to sitting!!
-i ate a ridiculous amount of food this weekend.
-i love wool diaper covers.
-happy lunar new year. year of the dragon. golden dragon parade is this weekend!
-and i will bid you adieu with some photos...

mom brain and laziness

2012-01-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

-mom brain. it exists. i now have it. i try to read more to keep my brain sharp, but that doesn't help me remember why i went in the kitchen or why i REALLY had to go to target. is it from the lack of sleep? the exhaustion? the preoccupation with a baby? is it actually aging and it just coincided with having a baby? i don't know and i hope it goes away. i hate being an airhead.

-every night my baby falls asleep by 7ish. this means i have time to myself. do i clean or do that list of things i have been meaning to do for the last six months (yes, pre-baby)? nope. i watch crap tv. i sit here and blog about nothing to mostly nobody. i need motivation. tack that on to my resolutions (i made resolutions?? because you would never know).

-i am off to clean my room. i had to stop what i was doing because i need to get out mom brain and laziness from my head in hopes i can actually accomplish something.

-here is a video from a band i am super excited about seeing this year at coachella.

5 months...

2012-01-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

maxi, my little stinky face,
today, you are five months old. i cannot believe that five months ago, i had just pushed you out and we were recovering in the hospital. you have grown so much. you are becoming a little person and developing a little personality. it is nice. as a tiny, you were a little challenging. now as a bigger tiny, you are more predictable and easily soothed. those first couple of months had me a little scared, but now, i cannot wait for everyday with you. i am utterly in love with you. these days, you are:
-screaming, screeching, and squealing so loud. you make it hard to watch gossip girl.
-waking up two times a night and still snuggling in our bed. i still love cosleeping, even when you wake me up at 5am making fart sounds with your mouth and pull my hair for an hour.
-rolling over from belly to back.
-standing and sitting with support.
-still totally breastfed and have one more month till we start solids.
-are actually a bit shy but given the chance warm up pretty nicely and then no one is exempt from the pinching.
-really and interested in the dogs, although you haven't learned to be gentle so the poor old dudes get grabbed and pinched just like the rest of us (the problem is they don't have the tolerance for pinching! they snap!).
-blow raspberries constantly.
-you love love love beards. no chin is safe from the grabbing.
-got your first cold, which we are working though right now. we took a sick day today to nurse and nap and watch the bachelor.
-i call you shredder because you scratch your face daily!! i cannot keep your nails short enough and it scares the poop out of me to trim them in the first place.
-yesterday, you reached for me when you were crying. i melted into a puddle then put myself back together so i could answer you tiny paws.
i love you forever,
mama

love me organics

2012-01-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

this is one of my closest and best friends sha-na

she moved all the way to the other side of the country and i miss her dearly. as much as i miss her, she has been up to some fantastic things. it is important to support your friends and family in all of their endeavors. it particularly helps when what they are doing is awesome. my sha-na has been working hard on creating a line of organic skin care products. finally, after a few years of working, testing, and learning, she is ready to release it to the world. her line is called love me organics. she has been giving me products here and there and, honestly, they are amazing. i used her belly butter on my tummy when i was growing my baby and now, my favorite is her face and neck spray. it smells so good, like a sweet orange (hence, the name sweet orange). plus, i use it as a facial refresher once i have a full face of makeup and i love that. i really think you should check out all of her products here.

the fourth, the fifth

2012-01-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

-spoke to my work about going super part time. now, i am just waiting on if they have open slots. this waiting game makes me anxious. i have figured out a schedule that gives me enough money for life and keeps me home as much as possible. leaving my baby is so damn hard and honestly, i don't want to do it. the problem is, i love my job. i love my coworkers. working with sick littles and seeing them get better is one of my passions.
-about to have a super busy few weeks!! lots of plans, lots of birthdays, lots of memories waiting to be made.
-maxi is approaching five months. FIVE MONTHS. i can't believe it. i was snuggling a newborn at work the other day and couldn't believe that my baby was ever that small, but he was. it really does go fast. i feel like i took so much time to absorb his littleness, but alas, it is never enough.
-i am still currently cosleeping but i was wondering when i should think about transitioning to the crib?? it makes me sad to think of my baby so far away. i love snuggling all night even if he kicks me ALL NIGHT, the little turd.
-jamaica is approaching so fast! i cannot wait. we got maxi's passport and i about fainted from the cuteness.
-looks like we are going to coachella this year. refused is playing. new noise. dennis lyxzen. so hot.
-for my birthday this year (yes, i am planning months in advance. i have a baby now. this is what happens), i am going back to the ace hotel. i went last year all fat and pregnant, dreamed of taking my baby, and now i get to.
-off to finish diaper laundry and baby and me yoga. namaste.

and a song that gives me goosebumps every time i hear it. enjoy.

mothering...

2012-01-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

this is the kind of mother i want to be:

there is something so beautiful about a mother and her child.

happy new year!

2012-01-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

-worked on NYE and celebrated the new year amongst my coworkers and sick littles. we all toasted at midnight with martinelli's and then went back to saving lives, haha.
-got home new year's day, nursed my baby, went to sleep for two hours, got my ass up for the plunge.
-attended our first "official" polar bear plunge and jumped in the pacific ocean with a bunch of other people.
-maxi really liked the beach. he kept digging his feet in the sand and it was so cute.
-attempted to go out to eat with friends, realized that the beach and working the night before had sucked the life out of me.
-went to bed at 7pm, slept a whole twelve fabulous hours (with a few night feedings mixed in), woke up feeling the best i have in a month.

i always make resolutions because i always like to be working towards something.
-sew more
-be present more with my baby and husband, meaning stay off the damn iphone
-walk more and do sit ups
-keep my house clean
-go to jamaica, big bear, camp at leo carrillo, visit my dad in kansas, phoenix, and san francisco
-plan a fantastic two year anniversary
-spend much more time at the beach
-play piano more
-renew my ccrn
-fly kites
-grow more flowers
-go to the library more
-baby and me yoga, baby and me swimming lessons
-save money and buy a new house by the end of this year! pasadena/eagle rock or bust!

polar bear plunge

2011-12-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

for the past five or six years, my husband, myself, and any brave friends have jumped into the ocean on new year's day. granted, we live in california and the water is never too terribly cold, but it is still cold. this tradition started several years back while visiting friends in philly. after we all drank too much, we woke up, drove through the pouring rain, made it to ocean city, new jersey, took off all our clothes and proceeded to immerse ourselves in the ocean. ever since then, i have made a huge effort to do it every year since. only once since it started that we did not get to jump into the actual ocean because we were in portland, did not rent a car, and it was snowing. we did still jump into the hotel pool. haha. this year, maxi gets to join along. although, he will not be submersing himself in the salty water, i think a big toe or two will suffice. i consider it like a baptism to start the new year. cleansing off the crap from the previous year and starting fresh. here is a recap of the years past and on new year's day, you can bet there will be another picture for 2012.
2007: ocean city, new jersey

2008: laguna beach, california

2009: portland, oregon

2010: leo carrillo, california

2011: dana point, california (and eight weeks pregnant!!)

so as this year closes, i hope you all ring in the new year with people you love and are thankful for the world around you. see you next year!

christmas 2011 recap...

2011-12-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

-worked the night before christmas eve plus i have been so uncomfortably sick and ended up passing out at 7:30. oops.
-woke up to my happy little man and opened up his gifts.
-got a serger!!!! and a keurig!!!
-maxi had his first bite of solids, mashed potatoes. we aren't starting solids till six months but this was a special occasion.
-already took down our absolutely dead tree this morning.
-excited for the new year coming up as always.
-maxi got so many presents. i am totally appreciative but my house is 900 square feet...ahem, 900 SQUARE FEET. currently, there are already two adults, one baby, two stinky dogs, and a damn stowaway mouse living in my 900 square foot home. add baby toys and frank and i are sleeping in the yard. the only good thing is it causes me to purge a lot and stay extra organized.
-tomorrow we clean!!

2011, the year my hear exploded, in pictures.

2011-12-21T11:28:00.000-08:00

saw this on dear baby and thought it would be fun to showcase 2011 in pictures, since it truly was my best year ever. i can't wait for what 2012 has in store for my family.

january: the annual polar bear plunge and working through morning sickness.

february: trip to akumal, went snorkeling everyday.

march: trip to jamaica and first started feeling my little baby move.

april: rimrock ranch getaway and found out we are having a boy!

may: turned 30!! and for my birthday, i only wanted to see my baby.

june: baby showers and the flaming lips at the cemetery.

july: relaxed, continued nesting and gestating, preparing for the arrival.

august: gave birth to my reason for living.

september: finally recovered and took maxi to his first show, bright eyes at the cemetery.

october: halloween!

november: maxi is growing and starting to be a real little person.

december: the holidays!! christmas is so much better with a baby.

this was an amazing year. next year is already getting full with plans. life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

ron swanson

2011-12-20T10:28:00.001-08:00

four months.

2011-12-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

oh maxi, my little one,
you are now officially four months old. you are the cutest thing i have ever laid eyes on and i love EVERY SINGLE PART of you. i feel so unbelievably blessed you picked me and your dada to be your parents. you are so loved, it is overwhelming. you are the first baby on both sides of the family in twenty years!! this means your mom has to share you a lot. sometimes, i just want to be selfish and lock us away in my room and absorb all of you. alas, that is not fair to everyone and i am happy that you are extremely loved. i love seeing you grow. i think back about you as a newborn and watching you grow is exciting and amazing.
at four months you are:
-so stinking close to rolling over!!
-laughing and smiling, but you are a little shy.
-not sleeping through the night and still sleeping mostly with me.
-love to kick and actually play with a few toys.
-can hold your head up like a champ!
-sits with support.
-are still totally breastfed. solids will come at six months.
-i think you are teething. you have super pink cheeks and are a drool machine.
-grab on to things, like mom's nipple (ouch!) and dad's beard (ouch!).
-will watch tv at any opportunity, much to my dismay.
-loves to be worn and loves to be out and about.
i look forward to a life lived with you and your dad. i am sorry that i get stressed and sad sometimes. i am new at this whole "mom" thing. i am trying my best and will always put you first in my life. now, if i could figure out how to convince your dad that i need to stay home with you.....
love you more than words,
momma

st. nick

2011-12-14T11:01:00.001-08:00

watcha say?

2011-12-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

-had a real long and tiring day yesterday, family fights and funerals, fun stuff.
-today, my goal is really to clean my house.
-first day of work tomorrow, ack!
-enjoy this digital short.

get to know me.

2011-12-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

i have decided to allow my blog to be more public. for many years, i blogged for myself as a way to remember and document my life. i don't know why i decided this because it is weird to think about complete strangers knowing things about you and you not knowing them. whatever the reason, i let the cat out of the bag, i did. i read blogs. i like them. my obsession with other people's blogs really started when i was pregnant as a way to know that my life was not going to end with the birth of my child (in fact, i think it really just began the minute i felt him on my chest).

so, without further adieu, to the three people that read my blog, i thought that maybe you should know some things about me other than the fact that i like to take pictures of my cute little stinker and motherhood is hard sometimes.
-i am 30, live in the heart of los angeles in a neighborhood called silverlake and i love los angeles.
-i have been a nicu/picu nurse for almost five years. before my son, my career gave me a purpose and pulled me out of my selfish life hole.
-my husband is the most social person in the world, which balances me out because for the longest time, i preferred being alone. i actually spend a lot of time with my friends but don't photograph it because it gets awkward. my baby doesn't mind the photos, but i hate to ruin moments by saying, "hold on guys, let me get a pic."
-i have been with my husband for ten years.
-i have traveled a good amount and plan on traveling some more, just with a baby in tow.
-i used to be a bit of a party animal but one month before my son was conceived, i decided i was over it. the next month, bam! i got pregnant and in the end he came at the perfect time.
-i lived in kansas 25% of my life and love my midwestern roots.
-i cannot dance what-so-ever. i do anyway.
-i laid all the flooring in my house all by myself (not the tile). i am a handyman of sorts. it makes my husband feel girly then he goes to the gym and bench presses 300lbs and feels manly again.
-i play call of duty.
that is enough about me for now.

and this too shall pass...

2011-12-09T20:23:00.001-08:00

-excuse my previous post. i learned as a child, that whenever you were really upset and frustrated with life, write down all your problems and come back to them later. you will see how unimportant they are in the grand scheme of things.

-been feeling weepy lately, maybe a touch depressed. as much as i dread working, it might be good for my psyche too.

-i was rocking maxi to sleep and it was just a perfect moment. i want to remember all my perfect little moments with my baby. i need to write them down more.

-babies really do grow fast. i try and be present in the moment but it is hard. technology is always around and tempting, i.e. looking at my iphone while rocking or nursing maxi.

-i need to let go of being sad about him growing older. he laughs and squeals now. he gazes at me longingly. he reaches out to yank on dad's beard. he is becoming a person.

-motherhood is full of damn guilt. i feel guilty every time get annoyed or irritated by his screams. i feel guilty for every time that he was screaming and nothing was working and i put him down for a few minutes to work it out on his own. i need to accept that i am new at this whole mom thing and i am allowed a few mistakes.

-speaking of acceptance, i need to accept my baby the way he is. i need to stop wishing he was happier or smiled more or slept longer. i need to accept him for the shy, serious baby he is. i love everything that he is. babies come as their own people, you cannot and should not try and change them, just love all their idiosyncrasies because that is what is so exciting about having a baby.

-hoping to come out of this funk soon.

-hanging out with friends helps. the only problem is, i only feel about 50% present in life anymore. i blame the lack of sleep.

-renegade craft fair tomorrow.

-pasadena swap meet sunday.

-red wine, popcorn, and husband snuggles tonight.

overwhelmed.

2011-12-06T20:01:00.001-08:00

this is going to be a vent...

being a mom is hard. i am not going to pretend it isn't and that life is always fantastic. i happen to have a baby that doesn't like to be put down ever really. he screams a lot. he cries a lot. snuggles don't work. boobies don't work. in fact, i only get to brush my teeth 75% of the time. good luck on getting out of my pajamas. my house is always halfway clean. there are always two loads of laundry to do. my damn dogs bark at inappropriate times. my baby goes on nursing strikes every two days then i have to try and feed him and pump to keep my supply up. i am always worried about my supply. my husband works to much. i rarely get a minute to myself and starting tomorrow, i have to go back to work. how in the hell am i going to juggle all of this? i work nights. i have to try and sleep more when i already don't get sleep. not only that, there is a fucking mouse living in my house somewhere and he is too smart for any goddamn traps. anytime i find a minute to clean, i have to disinfect and clean up stupid mouse turds! i am always exhausted and haven't been to the gym since the night i went into labor. i feel like i need a minute to myself then i miss my baby. i am totally, undeniably overwhelmed. i can't seem to find a happy medium. i want to work, but the thought of being away from my baby for 14 hours makes me want to puke.

i can't balance who i was with who i now am. i feel lost. i wish my baby was awake so i could snuggle him.

oh christmas tree...

2011-12-04T18:38:00.001-08:00

-christmas is only twenty days away! granted, we aren't getting maxi much (just one toy actually), i still can't wait to be snuggled up with my loved ones around christmas trees and drinking hot cocoa.
-we got our tree, a real tree, yesterday. we had been using a cheap, fake one for a few years, but now we have a little one and i want him to learn what christmas smells like.
-one year ago to the day, i found out i was pregnant. i was rocking maxi to sleep in his room and it was weird to think how i came into the same room stressed out and scared about that positive test one year ago.
-went to my work christmas party and it was fun. i realized why i married my husband when he proceeded to get drunk and insult doctors in their native languages.
-dumb and dumber on netflix instant. it is going to be a great night...our pets heads are falling off!!

worrywart.

2011-11-28T07:26:00.001-08:00

-thanksgiving was great as always. i got to sleep in by handing off the baby in the morning. it totally ruled.
-we are working on rolling over these days. so close!
-maxi is a small dude. i know this. i also have been insecure about my milk supply since day one. he has been on bit of a nursing strike and it freaked me out. he stopped taking the bottle all together. i go back to work in a little over a week so this is a terrible thing. yesterday, i was brimming over with anxiety about his weight and nutrition so i paid a small chinese woman to rub my back and feet for one hour for only $20! i felt the anxiety leave my body and came home to my little one with a clear mind. i just want to enjoy my baby and not fret over every fart and lump.
-christmas decorations go up today.
-baby and me yoga.
-la leche league meeting tomorrow.
-thankful for my mama friends that let me cry on their shoulder.
-hakuna matata.

thankful...

2011-11-24T08:13:00.001-08:00

today is my favorite holiday and maxi's first holiday. today we give thanks to all that we have been blessed with.
i am thankful for:
-my beautiful, bouncing, little boy (duh)
-my handsome, hairy husband
-my amazing job
-the food i am going to devour today
-my 110 year old home
-the way my baby looks when he is sleeping next to me
-the way my mom feels when i hug her
-walks around the reservoir
-mimosas
-family
-friends
-the bond breastfeeding has brought to me and my baby
-new car smells
-protective peewee and his weenie pal, boozer
-old music that always sounds good
-bacon
-pregnant friends
-my obsession with cloth diapers
-a clean home
that being said, i need to put my guy down for a nap while i get ready to head to my mom's for a uber fat day. is it wrong that i want to pump extra breastmilk to make up for the extra calories i will consume today?

motherhood.

2011-11-21T19:14:00.001-08:00

i seriously do love being a mother. that being said, somedays, it is so damn hard and trying. i love my baby and he brings me utter joy everyday. when i was pregnant, i imagined motherhood was hard but i could do it. after all, i work with sick babies everyday, consoling them and snuggling them. i used to tell parents, "make sure you have a swing! it will be your saving grace!" guess what? maxi hates the swing. i never once denied him a pacifier because it soothes babies so quickly. guess what? maxi hates the binky.

maxi is not the true definition of colicky. one night when he was a few days old, and my postpartum hormones were coursing hardcore through my body, he started screaming. not crying, but screaming and nothing, not any of my skills for soothing babies worked. i remember sitting in the rocker hysterically crying with him. his screams paralyzed me and hurt me from the inside out. i knew from that moment, i did not want him to cry. i am comfortable with crying babies, after all, if i wasn't, i couldn't effectively do my job. i was not comfortable with my own baby crying, instinct i guess. maxi continued to cry hard from that day forward. i learned what worked for him, but there are days, like today, that he cries and he cries hard and long.

babies cry. i get it. sometimes, i feel maxi is not that happy. it breaks my heart and makes me cry too. i have given every single part of myself to my son and he still seems unhappy. i look forward to his smiles and am so thankful for them. i just want to snuggle and love out his cries but when he is in one of his moods, there is no snuggling. i had a really long day with him today and i needed to purge my sadness and frustration. motherhood has its ups and downs. this i now know. i just wish i could love out maxi's sadness and anger but i can't. i will hold him as he screams in my face. i will kiss the top of his sweaty head as he wails. i will let my tears mix with his. i just wish i did not have too. i wish i had that magic key that made him happy.

3 months!

2011-11-17T19:11:00.001-08:00

maxi is now officially a three month old. he jabbers and talks all day long! he is a long and skinny dude. i am still breastfeeding with an occasional bottle to make sure he still will take it when i head back to work in three weeks! it is only for one night a week but i am still having anxiety about it. this month, maxi started to become a little person. he holds his head up pretty good with occasional head butts here and there. he finally started playing with a few toys, a giraffe and some funky fun keys. i have been sleep training him because the only time he really is ever cranky is when he is tired. so far, this is the beginning of week two and it only took ten minutes for him to fall asleep. he found his hands which i can't get out of his mouth now. he is a pretty funny little guy and i still try not to get sad about him growing up. ugh.

life has been busy lately for us all. surprisingly, i have been very social but in a different way than before. my friend interactions are during the day and are a bit more meaningful than a drunken night. jamaica is on the books. i just have to get my baby a baby passport! it is gonna be so stinkin' cute! i will leave you with some pictures of my little stinker.

growth.

2011-11-10T08:35:00.001-08:00

my little guy turned twelve weeks yesterday. he is growing and changing by leaps and bounds. everyday, he accomplishes something new. it is so exciting to watch him get so excited over life. his eyes get all big, he starts panting and cooing. it gets me excited! i have also been going out more. i started baby and me yoga (which is yoga with your baby in front of you) and when he is three months mommy and me swim lessons! it has come to my attention how awkward i am lately. i think spending most of your time cooing and ahhing makes your weirder. plus, i am working on getting to know my new role, a mommy. i went out to dinner last night, had one margarita, and totally have a headache this morning! that sucks. now, i know i will not be getting drunk as long as i have my little guy to care for (so basically until he moves out, haha). it just doesn't seem to fit anywhere and that is fine by me. i like myself more now than i ever have and i have my baby to thank. so, my little maximiliano, thank you for giving me confidence and a love that grows with each passing day. you are phenomenal and i can't believe i made you.

Maxi's First Halloween!

2011-11-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

-halloween really is for kids!
-went to the rec center and walked around (still not ready for maxi to be around lots of germy kids! thank you years spent working in the picu).
-really kinda kept it low key. maxi is only 2.5 months and easily overwhelmed.
-so excited for the holidays!!
-not so excited about returning to work starting december 4 (only one day a week thankfully!)
-searching for my next direction, been feeling low but high when my baby is in my arms.
-retired some of maxi's newborn diapers!! i almost cried.
-signing up for mommy and me classes like swimming and yoga!

2 months...

2011-10-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

my baby is 2 months!! oh my. he is growing and his little brain is making new connections everyday. he is a smiley boy but he almost always hides it for the camera! little turd (that i love more than anything). being a mother gets better everyday. it took some time for maxi and i to get adjusted to each other but now things are great (doesn't mean we don't have crabby days). my body still craves him. as sad as i get thinking about how he is growing and getting older, i also get excited for him to grow and become a real little person. yesterday, i read him the book, "i'll love you forever," and seriously, hysterically cried. he will always be my baby. i hold him all the time and i don't care. i like that he loves being in my arms.

maxi at 2 months:
-smiling at momma and dadda
-seriously will only nap in my sling or the ergo
-kicks his legs like a karate master
-when he was in my belly he would kick me all night and now in my bed, he kicks me all night
-loves to dance with momma and dadda
-trying to master head control but only tolerates tummy time for about 3 minutes before meltdown
-is cloth diapered (and it is going well!!), exclusively breastfed, and worn all the time (who knew i was such an inner hippie)
-coos and ahhs
-loves bath time with momma and makes the weirdest face and sound when first put in the bath
-likes his playmats for about 10 minutes

i love him with every cell in my body!!

smiles.

2011-10-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

being a mother is so amazing. my heart beats for my son and my husband. i was sitting on the couch thinking about how he is almost 8 weeks and i felt sad. i thought about how we were absolutely going to have another one and that i may only get to have a newborn one more time. when your baby ages it is so sad and hard but exciting and new. i get to see everything through his eyes for the first time. i already miss his squishy newborn self but his smiles that i get nowadays melt my heart and i will do anything to get one (including blowing farts on his belly, jumping around like a crazed maniac, and, gasp, talking like a baby!). he is growing bigger and soon he will be out of his bassinet and into his crib and this also saddens me. ugh. when i take him on walks and feel him grabbing my shirt and i lean over and smell his head, i cry a little from happiness and sadness.

i am trying to balance being me and not being totally obsessed with my baby. it will take some getting used to my new self but i know i can do it. i need goals for myself. in the next few months, i will:

-get back to painting

-return to my exercise routine

-hang out with my ladies twice a month

-get my yard tip top

-possibly take an online class

-finalize jamaica 2012

-finish maxi's blanket

-play piano everyday

-read more

-love my baby every day, every minute, all the time

one month...

2011-09-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

my little boy is now one month! this last month has been amazing. i love him more everyday. he loves the boob (thank goodness!). we have been getting to know each other. i love kissing his face and snuggling him. he is starting to smile and coo! i haven't weighed him in two weeks but he is probably around 8-9lbs! i cry. almost growing out of newborn size. everyday is a joy and i thank him for picking me.

birth story.

2011-09-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

on monday, august 16, i had my first post due date doctor appt. my doctor likes to do non-stress tests post dates to make sure the baby is doing okay as the placenta ages. my test showed very slight decelerations, which could mean the placenta is getting old and the baby is stressed. i had to go to the hospital for further monitoring. after a few hours in the hospital, my doctor said i was free to go but the possibility of induction seemed to be looming over my head. my cervix was not even prime for induction, so much so that my doctor was asking if anything had ever been done to it to possibly create scar tissue (it hadn't).

i went home that day feeling depressed, defeated, and totally let down by my body. induction was something i did not want to go through. i took a nice long bath and came to terms with the fact that if my baby was getting stressed now, things weren't going to be better as my placenta ages. i decided that if things were borderline on my appt on wednesday, i should just go with the induction. i wanted what was best for my baby. i was sad and had a bout of the weepies, but accepted my situation.

that night, i went to bed only to be awoken around three a.m. with mild, real contractions! i did not want to get too excited in case it was false labor so i laid in bed and timed them for a bit. they were eight to ten minutes apart. i shook frank and told him that maybe i was in labor! he got up and headed to work to tie up some loose ends before he was MIA for a few days. i got up and decided to clean my house. i started cleaning my house pausing to breathe through my contractions. throughout the day they varied from five to ten minutes apart and the pain was manageable.

in the late morning, i lost my mucus plug. even though i was having contractions, i did not really believe i was in labor until that happened. i was so excited but continued to scrub my house. i was waiting to go to the hospital until i felt like the pain was too unbearable. i had read many birth stories and it seems like when that happens, that means they are usually dilated to two centimeters. haha.

i literally scrubbed my house and around seven or so, i had a bloody show that just kept bleeding. i got scared because my brain is too knowledgeable about labor and delivery emergencies. i told frank we should probably go to the hospital. we showed up to the hospital, i checked in, and got hooked up to the monitor. the nurse checked me and, of course, i was at one and a half to two centimeters dilated. my waters were still intact and the blood was actually just from my cervix thinning out and dilating. i was relieved and frank said, "let's go back home." the nurse said for a first baby, usually you can expected to dilate a half centimeter an hour. calculated in my head, that was about eighteen more hours listening to my baby's heart rate on the monitor, being in an anxiety riddled state that the hospital, specifically, the labor and delivery floor, gives me. i had only been there in emergencies with babies and did not think i could relax there. the nurse called my doctor.

my doctor called and we spoke about the plan. at this point, the contractions weren't too bad. in fact, i was hand mopping my floors prior to coming to the hospital. i only showed up because the blood freaked me out. he said it was ok for me to go home and i was so relieved.

i got home and frank wanted me to lie down and try and sleep. we laid down and my contractions got more intense. i just breathed through them. as they increased in intensity, i became antsy. i would move around from being on all fours, sitting on the toilet, leaning against the wall, and lying in bed wrapped in my blankie. at one point, i told frank, i needed to go to the hospital. it was too much. he told me to hold off till one a.m. because by then, i will probably be dilated to five or something. eventually, i decided to get into the shower. i got my bath pillow, plugged the tub, turned on the shower, and laid down in the tub. there, i closed my eyes and just let them come while the hot water hit my belly. i was not a quiet laborer. i was definitely a moaner. frank even closed the windows as to not wake the neighbors. at some point, while lying in the tub, i felt an urge to either poop or push. i got out of the tub and woke up frank (he had fallen asleep since i was chillin in the tub). i told him i either had to push or poop but it was a vague feeling, nothing too crazy. he got up and started to get things ready. at this point, if i was wasn't dilated very far, i was getting the epidural.

i remember lying in the bed and not having any contractions for a bit. i closed my eyes and fell asleep for a few minutes before the next contraction woke me up. at this point it was only three hours since i had been at the hospital and i figured i was probably at like five or so. i was proud of myself for hanging out at home as long as i did.

when we got to the hospital, i got my room and they started checking me in. they asked me about a birth plan, which i had decided to not make as to have too high expectations. if things needed to change for the safety of my baby, i did not want to be disappointed in myself. my only plan was to get my baby out safely. i took off my clothes in front of the nurse and sat on the toilet. i told her i feel like pushing or i have to poop. frank had stepped out for a minute to move the car that was illegally parked. the nurse continued to check me in and the minute i sat on the bed, it happened, my baby was coming. i felt my body expelling my baby without my cooperation. i screamed louder than i ever thought i could scream. the nurse quickly checked me and called a code blue (or whatever the code is for imminent delivery). she got on the intercom and said, "she's at 10cm, +1 station, get the doctor!" i had dilated to ten centimeters in three hours!! and where in the world was my husband!!

frank finally showed up and we were both shocked to find out our baby was coming now! i kept having those insane contractions where my body was literally pushing the baby out of my body and i kept screaming loudly through each one. it was like i was being ripped into two. i was able to apologize for my loudness because i literally could not control the screaming. it was weird how during each contraction, it seemed as though i was possessed and once they were done, i could have knitted a scarf i was so calm. finally my doctor arrived and two controlled pushes later, at 1:29 a.m. my warm baby boy was born and it was amazing.

my baby was put directly underneath my belly band onto my skin. he was so warm and crying. he was blonde and beautiful. i did it and i did it medication free. it was so empowering and i was so proud of myself. i was also glad i did not deliver at home when felt the first urge to push.

everyday since then has been amazing. i feel a love i have never felt. i need my baby close to me. my body misses and aches for him. breastfeeding has allowed me to keep him close to me and have him need me as much as i need him. now, i understand mothers. also, i have already decided i want more. after my delivery, i cried because it was all over. i cried because i missed my contractions and my labor. it makes me sad everyday that passes because it becomes a more distant memory and my baby gets bigger. i try to soak in every day and minute i spend with my son. being a mother is the most amazing thing and i can't even remember who i was before him. honestly, i don't even care.

cleaning my house and five hours later my baby was born!!

be prepared...

2011-08-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

-11 days (give or take) till the best day of my life...
-♥ to the tiny feet moving around in my belly.
-there is nervousness. anxiousness, happiness, sadness floating around in my head.
-hot air, swimming pools, and hot wings.
-nesting all day, everyday.
-my work is amazing.
-my hips hurt.
-i can't pee enough these days.

the best the man can get

2011-07-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

-just about nine months pregnant! i can't believe it and i am so excited. i did it. i have four more work shifts left. i am happy because i am tired, uncomfortable and it is getting harder and harder to work but i am sad. i love my job. these are good thoughts for me. i am a worker. i need to work. i always have. the baby will have me working at home, but i love my job. i am lucky.

-once off work, i have a bunch of little things left to do, but in all we have what we need, just need a baby to put it in. my plans are to swim, swim, and swim. oh did i mention, i wanted to swim? although, i can only swim in pools. i went to the beach and forgot how rough california waves are. great for swimming and playing and exfoliating your skin but not great for a nine month pregnant lady. i think everyone on the beach watching peed a little when i got in.

-travel plans for next year have shifted a bit. probably going to take the baby back to jamaica and then frank and i will take a solo trip for our wedding anniversary. now, we just have to decide where....

-i am so excited to have a waist again!!

-renegade craft fair this weekend!

-ready to be stuck at home. life has been so full and tiring but i love it. one life, one chance.

showered with love...

2011-07-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

-my baby showers were amazing. i did not realize how important they were to me. this change in my life is the biggest one yet and i needed my friends and family around to show me they are supportive. they also showed me i am loved.

-34 weeks and growing. only 7 more shifts of work left! i cannot believe it. i am beside myself.

-i seriously am so happy and it blows my mind that once our baby is here, i will probably be happier.

-the house is almost complete! i love the baby's room. i sit in it and try to even fathom how life is going to change. i cannot predict any part of my future right now. i sort of like it.

-there are some people in life that instead of funneling anger towards them, you just need to pity. this is a beautiful life we are all given the opportunity to live. hopefully, we all choose wisely.

almost 33 weeks!

2011-06-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

-had my pregnant photo shoot and it went awesome. i wanted to capture this moment in my life. i have no idea what the future holds, but this could be my only time to be with child.

-the baby is going to be here so quickly! i have less than a month left of work FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR. i have worked consecutively since the age of 15.

-been rearranging the house and purging many things. it is an acceptance of my new future, as a new added role, a mother. i can't believe in less than 2 months, i will be a momma.

-already have a planned trip for post baby and it is a relief to know we are still going to explore the world. nicaragua, be prepared.

-i have been in a weird mood. i feel like being alone to feel and love every kick and poke but i miss being social.

-this is baby shower weekend! swimming everyday!

dirty thirty and 28 weeks

2011-05-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

-my birthday came and went. i caught a glimpse of my baby, ate at a roundtable with my family, drove to the desert and swam in the sun, and relaxed. turning 29 was much more traumatizing, i must say.

-switched to day shift and love every minute of it. i like waking up early, getting off work and seeing friends, and not feeling tired every minute during the day. i feel like i was duped by the five dollar night shift differential. i now don't feel like i work that much and that rules.

-been spending time cooking and reconnecting with friends. i am looking forward to this summer even if it means waddling in and out of the waves and no travels.

PREGNANCY UPDATE

How far along? 28 weeks and 4 days

Total weight gain/loss: i have now reached the 20lb mark!!

Stretch marks? nope...::crosses fingers::

Sleep: great now that i am on day shift. dreams are getting weirder.

Best moment this week: just waking up in the morning and feeling the little person living inside of me wiggle around.

Movement: yes, but it still doesn't seem like enough for me. i want to enjoy this whole process so thoroughly. being pregnant is a gift and it doesn't happen that often or to everyone.

Food cravings: native foods oklahoma burger.

Gender: a sweet little boy.

Labor Signs: starting to notice braxton hicks contractions, usually after working out or walk up hills or stairs. reminds me of the days when i had abdominal muscles.

Belly Button in or out? the top is poking out!

What I miss: nothing, i am enjoying my time as a pregnant lady.

What I am looking forward to: summertime and swimming and smelling my baby.

Weekly Wisdom: cherish every minute.

Milestones: third trimester is here and we are plugging on through it!! roughly eleven weeks left!!

26 weeks...

2011-05-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

How far along? 26 weeks 5 days

Total weight gain/loss: hovering around 16-17lbs.

Stretch marks? nope.

Sleep: starting to get better lately. the cool weather really helps, as does my super comfy bed.

Best moment this week: birthday dinners with all the may babies. mine is next week!

Movement: yep, getting more visceral.

Food cravings: fred 62's breakfast sandwich, but seems packed with fat, so only one or twice should suffice.

Gender: boy...still

Labor Signs: nope.

Belly Button in or out? flat.

What I miss: i dunno this week. i feel really comfortable being pregnant.

What I am looking forward to: swimming, swimming, and the beach. get warm already california. oh and reading books on my new kindle!

Weekly Wisdom: i like the peace that has come with this stage of pregnancy, but the anxiety is building for the best day of my life.

Milestones: 2nd trimester is really almost over now!!

Thoughts and ponders: i turn 30 next week and really can't wait. as much as getting older causes anxiety, i also feel as though i have so much to look forward to. i am enjoying my time now, but i really want to be a momma. i want to snuggle my own newborn. sigh. at work when i snuggle newborns and feel my baby kick, i love it. seems like he is trying to communicate with me and his peer. i also analyze preemies more and they help give me an idea of what my little guy is doing in there. day shift has officially started and these upcoming weeks are packed full of life events. i hope i maintain this warm and peaceful feeling inside of me. i feel all hippie and stuff, so maybe i should sign off with namaste??

25 weeks!

2011-05-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

How far along? 25 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: between 14-16lbs, depending on when i weigh myself.

Stretch marks? no!

Sleep: one more week of night shift, then it is hello normal life!

Best moment this week: seeing prince!

Movement: yes, but i tend to think my baby is mellow. he wakes up, moves a bunch, then goes back to sleep, and repeat.

Food cravings: nothing really, just trying to eat healthy!

Gender: boy.

Labor Signs: nope.

Belly Button in or out? working its way out.

What I miss: margaritas, not having to see a doctor every month, jogging, clothes that fit.

What I am looking forward to: so much! putting together the crib, registering, summertime and swimming.

Weekly Wisdom: doctor's do a lot of unnecessary testing that i think is more stressful then beneficial.

Milestones: 2nd trimester is almost over!

this week was filled with spending time with friends. watching prince, seeing explosion in the sky at hollywood forever, rooftop housewarming parties, and relaxing in the pool trying to keep my mind clear. today, it is back to work, but my night shift days are winding down. lots going on in the ol' noggin, anxious for the future...

22 weeks!

2011-04-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

-took the little one to his first lakers game (they lost...boo). frank got so excited for future sports events with his little son. currently, i have my pizza hut pan pizza which i have been craving for some odd reason, my lakers vs. the spurs on the boob tube, and feeling pretty good. i think my son wanted pizza to go along with the game. cross your fingers they can break their losing streak and kick the spurs' ass.

-finally settling back at home after being missing in action for about two months. went to a few lunches and have a ton more on the books in the next weeks. it is so nice to be home.

-only 3.5 more months of full time work till maternity leave!! although, i have mixed feelings because i am lucky enough to love my job.

-the little man in my belly has decided to move around a lot and i love every poke and kick. they are so cute and i seriously could lay in bed all day and feel it.

-after this week of work, i won't be working three in a row anymore. i can't do it. i don't sleep like i used too. staying on nights, but no more three in a row.

-spring is here and today and tomorrow are dedicated to yard work.

-just happy lately and i like that. today, i laughed out loud a lot.

snips and snails and puppy dog tails

2011-04-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

-jamaica was so amazing. i actually felt truly depressed leaving. i cried once i got home. the group of people we went with were perfect. it can never be recreated and it goes into my pocket of absolutely fabulous memories.

-to aid in my recovery from jamaica was another weekend getaway to joshua tree/pioneertown's rim rock ranch. it did the trick for fixing my jamaican blues. we shot guns, had a big, huge slumber party. when i came home, i was ready.

-tuesday, we had a doctor's appointment and right there on the ultrasound screen was a tiny little baby boy winky. we are having a boy! at first, i was a tad sad that it wasn't a girl, but then i thought about how i get to avoid periods, breasts, and shitty 12 year old girl hormones. we are so stoked about our little man growing inside of me. almost 22 weeks and feeling great!!!

-april will be a month of relaxing, cleaning, gardening, and preparing our home for our new little roommate. may brings warm and my birthday...30!

my summer plans:

-lots and lots of swimming, beach, pool, wherever

-have a flourishing garden

-get this house ready for our new baby!

-have a baby!

-read and take long walks with my dogs

-possible trip to monterrey, camping at the beach, and maybe camping in kansas

-finish my baby's blanket

-plan my future trips post baby!

sometimes you just need to shout.

2011-03-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

every once in awhile i need to blog things that irritate me. it is like a purge. i get it out of my system and feel a bit lighter. it is like i am screaming all these things out to the internet world even though no one reads my blog really (which, i am actually appreciative of). maybe someday someone will google something that irritates them and there my rant pops up. me and this unknown stranger can have a connection for a brief moment. life can be irritating. ahem, without further adieu:

My current list of things that are irritating to me (with added pregnancy hormones):

-people who don't work (this does not include stay at home moms, cause they are raising the future or people who are unemployed because of lay offs and our bad economy). fucking do something with yourself. when you are 80, you can look back at your life and see how hard you worked...at making a dent in the sofa. lazy fuckers. keep nippling off your parents. obviously, work ethics are not genetic.

-people who move to new york and act superior over you because they live in new york. fuck off. it especially annoys me when i visit new york and all they do it talk shit about los angeles. yes, los angeles is not for everyone, thank gawd, cause i don't want your midwestern ass moving there and clogging up the freeways (which I only use twice a week really anyway, there goes your dis to me on los angeles regarding traffic and the freeways). new york is an amazing place, but arrogant new york transplants are not. new york represent!! lame. get back underground while i drive ten minutes to the beach, eat good guacamole, and watch the lakers.

-people who block my driveway. yes, it was me that keyed your car.

-vacations that end too quickly. on that note, people in airports who mob the tarmack to get on the plane when we have assigned seats. guess what fucker, i still will have the window.

-mtv and vh1.

-when people criticize the things i want to do once i have a baby. YOU ARE NOT ME. LEAVE YOUR OPINIONS IN YOUR EMPTY HEAD, k, thanks. i don't feel the need to justify what i want to do. plus, everything is a learning experience. get out of my face.

-the way that girls nowadays feel that looking pretty is good enough. awesome, you can get any dude in the bar, but thats it. you rule at being a slut. high five. we women have fought for years to be equal and you are going to throw it away by giving some guy a blow job without the decency of getting a kiss in hopes of getting into a show later on? my ovaries just cried a little.

-my new big breasts. they are awful. running sucks. women pay to have bigger ones? i am confused.

i can't think of anything else, which means, i have purged my annoyances. it feels quite nice. jamaica was AMAZING. in a few days, i will write about it, just not in the mood today. almost 21 weeks!! i feel the baby move now and i love it. tomato soup and grilled cheese is on the menu tonight. yay! below a one picture preview of the jamaica post to come.

well rested...

2011-02-27T10:11:00.001-08:00

-mexico was amazing and relaxing. we snorkeling everyday, took naps on the beach, snuggled, and just got away from regular life.
-an idiot abroad is the best show i have seen in years.
-the houseguest is leaving, time to start nesting.
-16 weeks and counting.
-less than a month to jamaica.
-i truly dislike liars.
-checked off chichen itza. three of seven wonders down.
-i am in love with cloth diapers.
-always missing my husband.

a changing role...

2011-02-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

becoming a mom is a big deal. it changes who you are in weird ways. i keep trying to mentally prepare myself for what is to come. someone will always need me. i am responsible for someone else. i can't just pack up and leave the country. things are going to be totally different. i will be honest and say, it bums out a bit. it is hard to be super excited when i feel like so many doors are closing in my face. many of my friendships are going to change. i know once i have that squishy, loving, little half me, half frank baby in my arms, i won't care, but right now, i just feel tired, bloated, and lonely.

i know i have always wanted to be a mom since i was a little girl, but somewhere around 21, my mind changed. i wanted to see the world. i was not born to wealthy parents that can pay for me to travel and allow me to be a teenager at the age of 27. i have to work and i got lucky, because my career is amazing. it has taught me more than i can ever express in words and i am thankful everyday for each one of my patients and their families. my career has allowed me to travel some, but most of it was delayed to later in my 20s. now, i know my traveling days are changing. after my next few trips while pregnant, i don't know where and if i will be going anywhere. it makes me sad. i talk to a few friends here and there that are planning travels and a large, green eyed monster appears. i hate being jealous. let me emphasize, I HATE BEING JEALOUS. and lately, i have been a lot. i am jealous of people who never work and mooch off their parents and others and still get what they want. i am jealous of people who can be idiots with their lives and not worry about money. i am jealous of many things right now.

the thing is, is that myself and most of my friends are in their late 20s to 30s. i will be 30 years old this year. THIRTY! i am a full fledged grownup, having a baby should be normal. i worked hard for my home, my career, my husband, and i will work hard for my baby. i am slightly ashamed that at 30, i still sometimes act like an idiot. my mom had three children at 30. my generation kind of sucks. we don't work hard, we want to be cool and hip, and we don't want to grow up. at what point does getting drunk everyday stop becoming a thing of youth and move towards addiction? definitely, i feel that after 27, if you are acting like an idiot, you probably are an idiot. who you are at 27, is not much further than you will be at 40 or 50.

i maybe jealous but at least, i recognize this. it comes and goes. and jealousy is a terrible feeling to have. i needed to purge it, process it, and move on from it. i am proud of my accomplishments. i am proud i own my home. i am a wonderful nurse. i am proud i have been with my husband for nine years. i am proud of myself and i am not other people. i will be proud of myself for becoming a good mother and allowing myself to change in positive ways. this baby is a gift. i am thankful everyday that frank and i were blessed with a baby that was made in pure love. one life, one chance.

heavy...

2011-02-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

"there are so many things I wanted to do in my life."
-let's hope that the rest of us don't piss it away getting drunk and being morons.
-trying to figure out where i wanted to go with this blog thing. i have always done it for myself, to look back on my life through edited eyeglasses and feel a snippet of what happened. now that i am going to have a baby, do i want to be a mommy blogger? i dunno. it feels uncomfortable to me. i guess i will have to see how i feel as time goes on.
-welcome to my second trimester.
-date night tonight, since date nights are numbered....

2011-01-28T16:37:00.001-08:00

what the winds said....

2011-01-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

and the winds have spoken...

2011-01-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 2010. We had a good time, but it is time to move on.
Hello 2011! The plunge was completed, albeit cold as balls, but done. I feel that this year might be my best year ever.

i make resolutions every year. i like to aim towards something.
-run, sweat, and play
-be the best i can be
-keep learning and loving the piano
-do my hair and put on makeup more
-purge my closet and house
-redesign the living room and move the bedroom downstairs
-disneyland annual pass
-spend a weekend in a cabin in the snow, by the lake, and in the northeast
-get back to painting
-read. get that brain thinking and working again
-finish my project with kate
-get in the ocean as much as possible
-mexico, jamaica, new york, kansas, big sur
i hope everyone had a wonderful new year. i am excited for 2011.

blame it on the gays....

2010-12-31T15:01:00.000-08:00

let me clarify that i do believe in god and jesus, just not propaganda and mixing it with politics. in my own mind, jesus was a socialist, not a republican.

what is wrong with christians??

2010-12-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

seriously, christians are retarded. of course, these are american christians, the fattest, greediest, worst kind.
be a leaver not a taker.

dominos...

2010-11-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

-i have been speechless.
-the air has a funk and everyone is feeling it.
-got a weekend to myself to reconnect with me, the trees, the ocean, the sky, and my easel.
-after matador 21, i took some hangout time off to work overtime and pay for a trip to akumal in february.
-bali for our dirty 30.
-i passed on fun fun fun fest. frank on his way in a van with nine smelly dudes.
-my memory is going. my anxiety has increased. my weight is more. this must be what aging is.
-my hair is so long. i am clueless as to what to do with it. i have taken inspiration from 1960s actresses. even been stepping it up with liquid eyeliner.
-i have like a million things i want to write about but then i sit down and there goes my attention.
-i daydream about my wedding. sigh.
-hugs and kisses to you all.
here is my current inspiration:

and a few photos of life lately

hysterics.

2010-09-10T14:14:00.000-07:00

-both frank and i are coming down from everything. we have at separate times said, "i'm depressed." life reorganizing is a necessity. if it wasn't for the lows, we would never have highs.
-the fest is done and gone. looking forward to matador's 21st. fun fun fun fest. winter travels. holidays. winter beach trips.
-looking for a new feeling of inspiration. magic. warm glows. prisms.
-all i can really say is i am in a time and space flux. my life is changing. i am just waiting for it to tell me where to go next.

-here's to looking forward to new changes, new experiences, new and old friends. and this too shall pass.

-peru and you.

2010-08-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

-decided to do a solo peru post because it deserves it (my wedding can never be put into words the greatness and magic it was).
-miraflores was beautiful and it is humbling to be in front of such history.
-cusco is a lot like ladakh.
-cebiche.
-incan peoples are so much more than i could ever imagine.
-machu picchu and aqua calientes are logged in my life as top ten days ever.
-the sacred valley and chicha.
-cuy and cathedrals.

i gotta a fever.

2010-08-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

-married my one great love twice and celebrated for a month.
-spent the most magical week of my life with my closest family and friends. hopefully, when i go to heaven, it is there amongst my loved ones in paradise.
-spent two weeks in south america exploring new worlds with my new husband.
-came crashing back into reality and said a temporary goodbye to a dear friend.
-in california, the summer never really came. luckily, i was gone for most of it.

-it is time for me to make some 2/3 year resolutions as the first 2/3 were consumed with planning and working.
=run, walk, exercise more.
=paint, read, sew, play piano more.
=love, kiss, and snuggle more.
=bermuda!
=travel nursing??
=bali for the dirty thirty.
-so close to turning thirty!

i has a sad.

2010-07-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

-my spirit is broken.
-the glow behind my eyes has burned out.
-my heart weighs too heavily for my chest.
-pity party over here.
-i cannot catch a break. every time i pick myself back up, i get slapped down again and now i am knocked out.
-i think i need guacamole to help ease the sad.
-sometimes, it is so hard to look on the bright side.
-sail away.
-i keep telling myself things will be okay, but i am a terrible liar.

so smooth now.

2010-06-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

-turned 29 a few weeks ago. feeling indifferent about it but i like aging.
-went to disneyland for the first time since i was a small child. it was amazing.
-the dodger's stadium is my favorite stadium ever.
-summer has started and is kicked off by swimming pools and friends.
-the tides are changing as well, as they always do, but i will miss this tide a whole lot.
-work has been beating me up weekly. sometimes, i think i am not cut out for this anymore. i have not been treated like i was this morning in a long time. patient families are often the hardest part of my job. i truly think i only have a few more years of this left in me.
-arizona weekend trip was so amazing.
-i need more moments that take my breath away.

poverty.

2010-05-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

getting caught up in your own head is the traffic that makes you late for work. it is the snooze button that you hit when you really shouldn't. it is running so hard that your chest hurts and your legs don't feel like your own. watching the sunset will never go out of style. i imagine myself fainting and hitting my head on things. i dream about floating in the ocean. it is important to do things outside of yourself or else you become this walking pile of selfish shit that i need to power spray off my sidewalk because the homeless use the world as their toilet. i prefer people who were born poor and know what it is like to work really hard. those silver spoons should be used to knock you on the head when you act like the entitled asshole you really are. liars are the second worst. having my muse stolen feels like someone killed her. i had to watch her die three times now. luckily, i spend three days a week holding hands with new ones. i have a vision of my very own art show. sometimes, i think about how my face may have been the last face that some children see. i wonder what they think when they see my glasses sliding down my face and the fear and sadness behind my eyes. someone told me i have a calming presence. calm yourself. cold hands, warm heart. let's pull the blankets over our heads and be alone forever. peewee and boozer can join too. i lose faith in adults all the time. holding hands is such an honest action. summertime.

waving hello.

2010-05-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

-hanging out will be the death of me.
-every moment counts.
-i legitimately ♥ my friends.
-one life, one chance.
-i wish i could hug every kiddo i know.
-work is always stressful. it will always be a love/hate thing and my heart will always be getting broken.
-highballs.
-bbqs.
-trash humpers.
-sweating.
-almost two months away!

summer plans
-grand canyon.
-beach camping and day trips.
-dodger games!
-stockton lake (this time with frankie!)
-probably working fourth of july and thats ok.
-marriage.
-cenotes.
-machu picchu!
-reading more please.
-saying goodbye to tv.

this american life.

2010-04-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

-monthly updates are kinda my style.
-and then one day, i decided i wanted a baby sooner than later.
-less than three months till i marry frank!!
-screaming karaoke over looking los angeles to celebrate a loved ones birthday.
-lying on jessica's bed watching her curtains blow out her windows.
-cancelled my trip to new york and kansas city. i need to gather up my life and organize it.
-belly laughs and fried onions.
-coachella was crowded and not a magical as years before. in tim's words, i might be hanging up my coachella hat.
-dome homes in the desert.
-ira glass is fantastic.
-it is really important to live and love every minute of your life. i am serious. trust me.
-sometimes, i need to heed to my own words.
-grilled cheese invitational only good if you are a judge.
-admitting when someone is your best friend (other than your life partner).
-children's book author.
-i really have the most amazing family. legends.
-breakfast pizza!

i need you and you need this music.

2010-03-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

-spring is upon us.
-exactly four months till i tie the knot!!
-work hard to play hard.
-mau mau.
-new york is in the books yet again. a spring visit.
-road trips in van down highway 46 driving through heaven with my favorites.
-i am not allergic to poison oak.
-i do believe i prefer jessicas to all people.
-this might be the summer to blow my mind.
-jbp is back, but where are you my sweet merman?
-smile because i love you.
-i can't help but be excited.

kick his ask.

2010-03-10T04:23:00.000-08:00

-life is so strange.
-work has been stressful and unorganized. i need a break, a stay-cation, if you must.
-kids are cute.
-i am always sorry.
-i wish i could get along with everybody.
-been feeling too caught up in my head and stupider.
-14 months till the dirty 30.
-i miss...
-sometimes, i just don't know what to do with myself.

has anyone seen scanners??

2010-03-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

-i had the best valentine's day...at work with little dudes eating ice cream.
-chinatown forever.
-downtown las vegas is like walking into 1976. it trumps the strip over and over again.
-beatles love ♥
-life is full of peaks and valleys. i swear i run full speed through them all.
-being traumatized is an opportunity to become better at what you do.
-bali or prague or new york and kansas city?
-family love and fun.
-eight years and everyday is better and better. i love frank with every molecule that makes me up.

west meets east.

2010-02-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

-new york subways are not as bad as i thought.
-egg and cheese sandwiches.
-xoxo jessica rodriquez xoxo.
-new aspiration to be bi-coastal.
-i am an angeleno and damn proud.
-tim burton is an art god.
-finally cut the ties to a bad situation and for that, i thank you.
-it is nice to be back home.
-los angeles needs more corner delis.
-las vegas next week.
-coachella 2010 is a go.
-sam, sanae, amanda, jessica, and justin love.

warm child in the city.

2010-01-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

-been making my wedding invites.
-decided that i tend to shy away from overly insecure people. i need a strong mind.
-my friend jess made me a mix cd that is phenomenal.
-new york in three weeks.
-fuck parking tickets.
-things have been mellow but perfect. i like the way things are going.
-taking a drawing class with my other friend jessica.
-welcome to the neighborhood kim!
-my hair is damn long.

Happy New Years three days in.

2010-01-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

last year:
-was amazing.
-i traveled some.
-i grew up a lot.
-i learned what is important to me.
-i fell in love again and again.

this year:
-i am getting married.
-i am traveling more.
-i will save more.
-i will lead a life of giving and selflessness.
-i will give 100% in every situation.

my actual resolutions (some to be broken but it is better to aim high than to not aim at all):
-read more.
-become certified in pediatric nursing.
-go back to school....for art.
-travel to bali, mexico, peru, belize, and maybe europe.
-continue my in states travel and visit lots of people i have been missing.
-paint much much more.
-sew much much more.
-stop drinking as much.
-run more with peewee.
-enjoy a sunset once a month.
-camp at leo carrillo, san onofre, and havasupai falls!!!
-cancel cable!
-play music more.
-love more.
-laugh more.
every year only gets better. i am thankful i get to enjoy all of life.

breaking it down.

2009-12-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

-i know God has a reason for everything.
-the cold weather has me staying indoors and nesting.
-focusing on my family, myself, and my love.
-feeling very festive this year. someone has to make my home feel like home.
-i can't imagine your pain. i am sorry.
-trying to not bring work home, but if i ever walk into my job and think of it as just a job, i have died inside. i need to walk into that patient's room and feel that at any moment, i would trade places with them. if this means i die a little for each suffering family and child, than so be it.
-making my moments mean something.
-backing away from alcohol.
-this next year is going to be amazing.
-i need to start making lists again.

thanksgiving.

2009-11-26T09:13:00.000-08:00

reasons to be thankful:
-hair the movie. i ♥ burger.
-coffee, bloody marys, and cooking with my momma.
-frank, everyday frank.
-dips and chips.
-long extended hugs with families in crisis.
-seeing kiddos alive and happy.
-the smell of my dogs.
-my friends and family.
-the height of my brother.
-my growing infatuation with my job.
-long walks around the reservoir.
-future travels.
-the softness of my sister's skin.
-being present and taking full advantage of all life's beauties and graces.

halloween wrap up.

2009-11-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

-i was a costume master this year. officially making three costumes (well, assisting on the third).
-did not repeat the absolute drunkness of last year that actually required me to get a new driver's license.
-vampire weekend secret show.
-half man, half woman.
-"i don't believe in jesus!"
-i think that i secretly really want to be chinese. last year, chinese gymnast and this year, the panda.

this year

last year

the end

worried mind.

2009-10-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

-there is a loneliness in the air lately.
-i have been in a weird fog, but i am not alone.
-life always moves forward. i promise that you cannot stop it.
-i need my job to help me to see what important. spending my nights watching children suffer, while their parents stand helplessly by their side is breaking me down. i want it to make me grateful and enjoy every breath, every smile, every tear, but lately i carry the pain in my heart and stomach. and no one, outside of my co-workers, will ever understand.
-it takes courage and strength to be gentle and kind.
-i really miss my family.
-i think an hour worth of piano playing, singing my favorite songs on the top of my lungs, and a good floor scrub might make all the difference and ease my mind.
-happy halloween!!!

could it be anybody?

2009-10-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

-my sleep schedule is so screwed up and it is hampering my life.
-my motivation was going strong, then a night stuffed with insomnia and late night snacking destroyed it.
-no cavities!
-feeling like being alone and away from most people.
-it is weird to come off the high of the summer.
-boozer has the cutest knees. peewee is the best cuddler.
-every muscle in my body hurts.
-where do i go from here?
-pregnant ladies are so cute.
-whenever i feel down i think about holding her little hand as she falls asleep, wishing i could take her home and love her forever.
-speakeasies open till 6am never end well.
-let it be.

my neck, my back.

2009-10-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

-halloween is going to be phenomenal.
-i am training someone how to be a nurse.
-saturday morning at 6am will forever be burned into my head. the intensity, the shaky hands and knees, the shock and denial. i am fucking so sorry.
-campfires and friends.
-it is raining.
-life feels stable but unstable and i like it.
-the wedding is confirmed.
-writer's group tonight.

long shot.

2009-09-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

-cemetery sleep outs, cheese, mimosas, cuddle orgy, sunrise shows.
-i like it when my patients touch my face.
-dog parks.
-it is like my little secret. a secret i share with my friends and neighbors.
-jacuzzis!
-a fantastically cleaned house is like a dream come true.
-nervous about my paint session tonight.
-hugs and the nape of his neck.

twin reverb.

2009-09-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

-this weekend was a time warp.
-i ♥ jessica rodriquez forever and ever.
-went to the middle, slept in an rv, rode little scooters, enjoyed the trees.
-i like the way the air feels lately.
-i promise you, when she hugs you, she will shove your face into her boobs.
-my hometown is amazing. i like the way i feel when i think about being a little person there. running in the meadows and fields, catching bullfrogs, swimming in pools, being a daddy's girl.

hard pressed.

2009-09-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

-a good cry helps.
-a good friend helps.
-nachos.
-i am insecure but that's okay (right josh?).
-there is and was never any competition. anyways, i prefer to lose. it builds character.
-that's that.

dance with me.

2009-09-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

-a free moment at work.
-going to kansas thursday with frankie. it is going to be amazing to take him to the middle and allow him to see another side of who i am, even after seven years.
-trying to squeeze the last of summer out of everyday. unfortunately, fall is winning.
-i want a glass of wine with my friends.
-been on a life purge of all things shit.
-i want to go to the l.a. county fair.
-it amazes me how much cleaning cleanses my soul.
-writing group next tuesday.
-i miss you josh.
-i think for new year's we are going camping at the beach. it will make the plunge that much easier.
-tapas!

xoxo.

Laboring away...

2009-09-07T16:45:00.000-07:00

my family is so amazing. this weekend, after ten years of love and devotion, my mom married her love. it was small, secret, and consisted only of immediate family. it was remarkably romantic and it made me realize how close wonderful my family is. we have been dragged through the mud, beat up, and beat down, yet the love and closeness flourishes.

this weekend was also the fyf fest. despite the hectic, crazy, busy day, it was a dream and to work side by side with your friends in times of stress is priceless. in addition, the weekend was topped of by a birthday bbq on a hill over looking the city. every day gets better. i think i might explode.

when the snow started falling...

2009-09-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

i can't believe how lucky i am sometimes. every summer i have gets better. this has been the best summer of my life. basically, after this weekend, it will be over. at first i was sad, but today when i awoke, the sky was hazy from the fires and it had a touch of california fall to it. i think this winter might actually be better than the summer. i only like my life when it feels like a dream. and lately, that is about 95% of the time. thank you.

indian children.

2009-09-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

one of the best things about india was the the children. it is amazing to see that regardless of position on the globe, status in life, language, or culture, that all children act the same. they gave india a playfulness and joy that cannot be explained.

a quick hello.

2009-08-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

i am back from my journeys and here is a small preview of my trip. it was fantastic. i was invited into the homes of amazing people, saw breathtaking sights everyday, and observed the world from a different point of view.

off to kansas in the morning. it will be nice to come home again.

shitty girls.

2009-07-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

the older i get, the more i realize, that girls do suck. they are competitive, jealous, and mean. it is not that hard to be a good friend or a good person. life is not about looking cool or seeing how many boys like you. it is about deep connections. about sweaty naps while watching 70s horror movie with friends. it is about hugs in the swimming pools. not about leaving people out. or being out of touch with your feelings. is it that hard to be a good friend? for some, i think so. so to you girls who suck at being a friend, or a girlfriend, or a wife, fuck off. the world needs less of you.

time fly paper

2009-07-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

twelve days till india. fucking fantastic. i am so looking forward and after googling pictures of all the wonderful places i will be going, i have decided to drop the cash on an a-list camera. may never go to india again and it will give me something to do on the plane. it is going to be amazing. it will be nice to take a leave of absence from my life.

the summer is whizzing by. i wish it wasn't. i just want to be around the agua.

probably won't update till after india. carpe diem bitches.

fireworks...

2009-07-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

my favorite holiday has come and gone. my fourth was spent in laguna relaxing. i wanted no real plans. i just wanted to enjoy. it turned out to be amazing. surrounded by my real friends watching five different fireworks shows on a hill, loving frankie, dancing really hard to michael jackson, midnight jacuzzi times, and laughing.

a little under the weather now. hoping to fully recover before i head off to chicago for a few days. oh how i long to be at home staring at my walls.

i'm fine, really....

2009-07-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

last night (or today i should say, since i sleep during the day), i awoke from my slumber sweaty and wanting to barf. i had the most awful dreams of little children gone and past. i could not shake the images. it seriously fucked me for the day. i am too much in my own head. time to run.

ambien...

2009-06-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

-life is pretty amazing.
-i am always up late anymore.
-chicago in two weeks.
-india in a month.
-i always miss frank.
-i cleaned my floors today with three different things. they feel and look amazing.
-i love my house.
-been jogging around the reservoir (from my house and back it is 5 miles!).
-working at the stadium sunday. manny ramirez!
-off to dance around and shaky my bootie.
-smile!

true calling

2009-06-21T02:22:00.000-07:00

when it comes to deciding what in the world to do with my life, i have always been indecisive. the other night at 6am as i was holding the hand of my patient, it hit me. this is it. this is what i am good at. i will never be famous. most times, i will never be thanked. it is not glamorous. i will not be in magazine. people will not comment on my clothes or hair. people will not be interested in what i have to say and frankly, that is okay. the satisfaction and recognition i get is personal. there is no need to talk about it. there is no need for others to know what i do. my experiences behind those curtains with children and families is mine. honestly, i want it for myself. i want it to break my heart silently. i want to cry tears with a grieving mother alone. i want to put my arms around a distraught father with no one to see. i don't do this for anyone to see. i do it for that child in that bed. i do it for that family displaced. personally, i never want to be thanked. i wish i was a silent and invisible participant. i am just so thankful that i found something to focus my life one that doesn't involve myself. that is not self masturbation. it may have been a rough road getting here, but i am so happy i did. being a nurse is what i was meant to be.

it is a few hours past, the day of father recognition. i love my dad so much i cannot stand it. i can only hope he kind of knows how thankful and grateful i am to have such a great pop in my life. i will love you forever.

a new piano...

2009-06-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i really did buy a piano. i played it for an hour last night. and i will probably do that again. ever since i was five, i have wanted a piano. and now i have one. i stare at like a mother to her newborn child. it is going to be a great addition to my home. i went to bed smiling ear to ear.

sometimes, it feels so good to hold a healthy baby.

and sean is now a doctor of pharmacy.

i like to hold hands with my patients. to comb their hair. sometimes, i am very motherly. i would, at any given time, change places with all my patients. they have so much life to live. they could probably do it better than i ever did.

joe.

2009-05-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

while gallivanting around town last night, we ran into a puerto rican, new yorker, californian transplant named joe. he was 69 years old. he came up laughing and asked if this was our home. he smoked a cigarette with my friends and chatted. he said he didn't like being alone too long because you get all caught up in your head, so he likes to go have a drink and smoke with the boys. he mentioned les miserables and talked about how he bought a bunch of the greatest novels of all time to read hoping they would make him feel young again. i wish we were friends.

donde es melissa?

2009-05-17T13:23:00.000-07:00

-working lots extra. which is totally okay because i need money to finance my future goals and plans.
-this is already the best start to a summer.
-every year gets better.
-my flowers are blooming.
-water tastes great this time of year.
-beef and pickle tacos are the best thing i have ever put into my mouth.
-pink fingernail polish makes me happy.
-a piano will be mine this week. one of my childhood goals.
-sometimes, i want to run away with frank.
-i love my house.
-quilts make the best blankets.

one last one.

2009-05-13T15:20:00.001-07:00

another old one.

2009-05-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

years ago, whenever i was sad, i would play this video sing and dance along. there are a few people in the world that i know i am meant to be friends with and this guy is one of them. hit me up. i will buy you a beer.

old youtube videos.

2009-05-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

lately, i have been watching old youtube videos.

best part, his name is tay zonday. lucky bastard.